it’s the day when you hear too many people saying fake, boring, for-the-sake-of-formality wishes. and i’m sorry i really hate it. hate. it.

i truly thank those who remember this day just because they remember, not because they’re somehow reminded in one way or another and feel like saying something.

생일 축하해!

생일 축하해!
you’ve made it to 25
look forward and see no past
leave those who hurt you behind
they have no rights to make you cry
and they’re not worth for your tears

you’ve left your heart broken for too long
if either one of you should feel sad
it’s should be him, not you
’cause you lost someone who does not love you
but he lost someone who loves him
so screw him?

strive for what’s in front of you and don’t be swayed
stop trying to make sense of life
this life didn’t make sense, and it never will
just keep walking until you find a way
well, things can be hard along the way
but it has been hard all these while anyway

when the door is closed, there are windows to look for
when the windows are shut, you can always break the wall
in any case there’s no wall can’t be broken
bricks are only fragile ceramics, metals can be melted
anyway you’re by degree a materials engineer
so why should you be afraid of a mere wall?

don’t cry.
in 30 years, you’ll think that things are better this way
so promise that you will cry no more
until that moment when you’ll reminisce all these days
and with a smile on your face you’ll whisper: “I win”

생일 축하해!
11-August-2012

The only truly loving hands that I never doubt

Mom,

I know that you might never read this post, as I had never told you that I have a blog. I just want to tell you that next time when I go back home, please put both of your loving hands on my shoulders and tell me: “you can cry as much as you want now.”

and at that point of time, please say nothing and ask nothing, just hold me tight in  your arms.

I almost forgot that I actually have a blog to do this

Feels like going to a quiet hill alone and shout:

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa……..”

till the lungs give out.

2011: 2boxes x …

2011: 2boxes x 100pcs x 2ply.

how many pieces will I spend this year?

In my own eyes, today is winter.

4:19am

I’m still awake. My minds are full.

About two hours ago, I was having my so called “quiet time”, although these days those are barely quiet time at all. The words are merely collections of sentences, meaningless. Today’s topic is about the uniqueness of every human being, each like God’s own signature on this earth. Just when I finished reading the passage, I thought of birthdays. I remembered that yesterday was one of my old friend’s birthday. And I began to think of some people whom I know, tried to remember when their birthdays are. Until I think about my own…and I stopped and sighed.

I don’t like birthday.

Celebrating one lately becomes a torture to me. Although all my wishes for them are real…real true, I feel so damn fake every time I greet someone happy birthday, feel hesitate to write on their walls every time I see their birthday’s notifications. Not because I’m not happy for them. Neither because I don’t like being in a crowd that I don’t like bday party. But those days are like a bucket of ice water being splashed on you on winter’s night. Cold, and hurt. I can tell no one, yet I have to smile.

I realized that having to go through that one day that way was a product of my own choice. In this life nowadays with all those technologies, who would remember one’s birthday? Cut all those info where people can help others remember your day by publishing their wishes to u, then tell me if they will still remember.

I resent no one for it to happen in my life. But I had never known it bore such a huge hole in my heart, and that I forced myself not to ever think or feel that pain every time I encounter those days. Ever since that day, I stopped seeing birthday as a special day. Unconsciously, I stopped seeing each person as a unique design. His design.

Nope, you don’t need to tell me. I know I have to let go this pain – and other pains as well. I KNOW!

Gosh, why is it so difficult to live a decent life? I wished nothing fancy, just a mere decent life to live. But even a birthday I couldn’t go through peacefully. I thought I still have the other 364 days, forgetting one wouldn’t do any harm. But you know what? Even until now, how I felt on that day is still crystal clear to me. It was the loneliest day of the year.

Count how many friends I have, that’s how many times I have to feel it. Suddenly it feels good to know one person only have one birthday.

But on those lonely days, where are You, God?

Time may take us away
Space may keep us apart
Hurts may break us down
yet, no matter where life leads us…

I’ll always be here and I’ll never stop caring.

-Anonymous

Exam dinner with AKTBs =)

Background story: Anne suddenly requested Macaroni Schotel for our dinner together during exam period. And I was once late in one of our KTB session, at that time I wanted to treat them dinner to pay for my mistake, but they prefer me to make them dessert instead. So here we are on Friday evening, having an utterly sinful feast. Cholesterol or diabetic, please choose yourself. =P

P.S. This is a much better looking one…baked with oven! (THANKS to Ci Mel who gave me that oven!! =D). We finished three quarter of it within less than 2 hr…@.@

This one tastes more like pineapple yogurt but the texture is solid. To me, it’s a bit too sweet, but they both like it, so…I think that’s good enough =) And btw, it’s super easy to make!!!

Recipe:
7 gram gelatin
1/4 cup cold water
1 can (14 ounces) nestle sweetened condensed milk (I used any kind of condensed milk)
1 can pineapple chunks in juice
1 cup plain yogurt

Now, let’s make it in max 15 minutes! Ready?
1. Sprinkle gelatin over water in small microwave safe bowl, microwave 30s or until dissolve.
2. Place condensed milk, pineapple (+juice), yogurt and gelatin mixture in blender, blend until smooth
3. Pour into cups 2/3 full
4. Refrigerate 3hr to overnight
5. DONE! 🙂

Tips:
– I feel that this dessert is too sweet, so if you don’t like it too sweet as well, don’t add the pineapple juice (change with water/yogurt instead).
– If you don’t have any blender, you can use food processor (like what I did). So I only crushed the pineapple chunks with food processor and after that mix the ingredients together with spatula. Tips from the gelatin paper cover: if you’re making cold dessert, ALWAYS pour other ingredients to dissolved gelatin. Never pour gelatin to the mixture.
– If you want to take the dessert out of the cup (e.g. turn it over to a dessert plate for garnishing), use 6 ounces custard cup instead but you need to spray the cups with non-stick cooking spray before pouring. When the mixture is fully settled, run a small spatula around edges of the cups and gently shake to loosen.

Enjoy! 🙂

Human’s life these days…

true, right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MSE 20th Anniversary Dinner

For the third time now I’ve been performing for the school.

Akhirnya investasi nyokap “maksa” blajar piano >10 taon (+kena omel tiap hari kl ga latihan) terpakai jg...hehe…thanks, Mom! =D =D =D –> you see? sometimes you need to go through hell before succeeding, and sometimes we can’t see why we have to / forced to do things we don’t like…until we find out one day that everything is for our own good. =)

The first time I played was during MSE day last year, I played Beethoven’s Spring Sonata Op. 24 with Nico as the violinist.  Then came the second time I was asked to play a song in a Joint Symposium, I played Chopin’s Fantaisie Impromptu Op. 66. It was fun to finally perform that song which I always love since I was 15. =) =)

2 days ago (Oct 14th), MSE held an anniversary dinner at Intercontinental Hotel, Bugis. One of MSE staff approached me and some of my friends to perform in that event. I was asked to play You Raise Me Up together with my friend – she sing and I play the piano. Nothing extraordinary, really, and I don’t think that my playing was even good, it was so-so to me as I think I don’t have enough skills to play pop songs. But what I actually wanted to share in this post is this:

My prof knew one day before that I will be performing in that event. We were on our way back to NTU after meeting in SGH when she asked if I will come to that event (and she asked if I will be performing – though I don’t know how did she know if I can perform anything…she wasn’t there during the first two performances I had). I actually didn’t want to tell her anything about my performance either – didn’t expect her to come as well since she’s going to US the next day after the event, early morning. But since she asked, I had no choice but to tell her. So that’s how she know I would be performing.

On the D-day, we (me n my prof) weren’t sitting around the same table (we were assigned to certain table by the organizer), so I couldn’t even communicate with her at all. When it was the time for me to play the piano, I walked to the piano and started playing. Not long after I started, I can sensed some of the photographers went to my side to take photos…well, that’s normal for an event, no? But one thing is not normal, I suddenly heard someone called my name, the voice is so familiar to me. So in the middle of my playing I turn my head to the voice, and I saw my prof standing there taking photos of me…wow. @.@

I smiled to her – and partly lost my concentration in my playing afterwards (thankfully I didn’t make mistakes at that moment…fiuh~). At that moment my feeling was completely changed. I was deeply touched that she would personally stand there taking pictures for me. She’s my boss, whom I have never expected to appreciate her student this much. I thought she would just sit on her seat – which by the way is quite far from where the piano is – as I guess that’s what most professors would do on such big event. The chair, the ex-chair who’s now a provost of NTU was there. All the big people who give contributions to our school were there. So for her to go to her student taking photo of my performance was extraordinary to me. I was deeply deeply touched. I love my Prof…

This photo below was taken by her. She sent it to me the day after. Btw the room was actually almost completely dark when I played the song. The flash made it look sooo bright there. ^^; This isn’t my best shot, haha, but it’s so precious because of the photographer. =) =)

Well, I too realize that people might (will) change. A few years ahead, she might not be as nice, as friendly, as helpful as she is now. Afterall, although she’s smart, tall, has a gorgeous look, and super-friendly…nobody’s perfect. (She’ll be a perfect role model if she’s a Christian though…sadly she’s not a Christian…yet). Anyway, I’m gonna treasure each moment I have with her…and be thankful for that.

My PhD life is not always good – most of the time it’s wearisome…but again and again, I see God’s “bread crumbs of grace” along the way in this journey. =)